Summer 2012

Mostly negative in the way that my life is at it's lowest. I never been that low. I never been that fat (around 386 pounds). Romanticly speaking it's still nothingness even though I will have 24 years old in october (never had a boyfriend or a flirt).

I lost my best friend Chris what leaves me with a hole in my life and in my heart because, I can admit it, everything revolved around him, I made my life and my schedule according to him. I need to rebuilt myself and nowever I need to learn how to live by and for myself. And it's not obvious when you used to completely lean on others (he's not dead, we " just " don't speak to each other anymore).

My friend Jane told me that because I'm at the lowest I can't go deeper, it just can go up from now on. I hope she's right, that I won't stay at the bottom of my hole for a few years, in the warm of my own shit, and the darkness of my tortured mind.

I became that pathetic girl, with no life, that person that you drag behind you and there is no way that it continues like this. I want to become strong and independant and I want the solitude to stop frighten me that much. My fear of abandonment and the solitude is at it's highest because his presence is not in my life anymore.

I feel desperatly alone, to a point that sometimes I wonder if I am not a little bit mad. Anyway, I would like to be at this stage, 5 years later where I read this with a smile because I don't feel the pain with this intensity anymore. Because it's gone, I integrated it like when I read some stuff about guys that were a " part " of my life.

I build an enormous concrete wall. It's so big that I did not cried yet. But I am scared of the moment I will realise because I know it will be worst than every bad thing that ever happened to me (at least bad things from people).

In fact, nothing is right, there is no field to balance an other one. I look a bit too much my window and sometimes it scares me even though I know I won't go that further. It's a real chaos.

There is just one possible positive thing, which I hope will not transform into a negative one : the fact that I will restart my studies in the University brings me joy and I can't wait. But I know myself, I'm already happy and I have expectations that are already in my mind. Just please, make it not look like my senior year 5 years ago. I had expectations because I change my High School. But in the end, it was the worst school year of my life. I have to be negative because in general everything is failing ...

To conclude, my life it's just a big fat smelly shit.